A Process for Resolving Conflict or How To Manage Expectations (Part 3)



Here is a basic overview of the Process for Resolving Conflict, or How To Manage Expectations:

1. Identify Unmet Expectations - Identifying an unmet expectation involves specifying (from above) - the event where the expectation goes unmet, the specific unmet expectation, the emotional reaction to the unmet expectation, and the behavioral reaction to the unmet expectation.
2. Evaluate Expectations - Involves determining if it is imposed or preferred. If it is imposed, determine if it is judgmental, selfish, or based on a genuine concern for another person's welfare.
3. Change Imposed Expectations - Involves finding reasons why it is unrealistic to demand that your expectation be met.
4. Communicate Unmet Expectations - Involves stating the expectation with C.A.R.E. Consideration, Action (stating the action that blocked the expectation), Reaction (stating the emotion associated with having the expectation blocked), and Expectation (re-stating the actual expectation in very clear terms). The listening response required at this stage involves putting into your own words: a) The main idea your partner is communicating and/or b) The feelings your partner is experiencing.
5. Resolve Unmet Expectations - Involves: a) Determining if the expectation can be met completely, b) Looking for alternatives, and c) Openly examining the expectation before choosing not to meet it.

This week I would like for us to address the next stage in the process: Changing Imposed Expectations.
Changing an imposed expectation involves finding reasons why it is unrealistic to demand that your expectation be met. If we evaluate an expectation as imposed and judgmental or selfish, the next step is to change it from imposed to preferred. Changing an expectation from imposed to preferred involves refuting your expectation by thinking of reasons why it is unrealistic to demand that it be met.
Here are eight Biblical reasons why imposed expectations are often unrealistic:

• I have made similar errors. It is unrealistic to demand that the other party meet my standards of acceptable behavior when I cannot (Romans 2:1)
• At times I put my desires before the other person. It is unrealistic to demand that the other person act differently than I do (Matthew 7:1-5).
• People are limited in time, energy, and ability. It is unrealistic to demand that the other party transcend these limitations (Ecclesiastes 1:4; Isaiah 40:30; Romans 7:15).
• People are limited in knowledge. It is unrealistic to demand that the other person foresee and avoid all poor decisions (James 4:14).
• I may be the one preventing my expectation from being met. It is unrealistic to demand that my expectation be met if I am doing something to prevent or discourage the other party from meeting it (Galatians 6:7).
• The other person may be unaware of my expectation. It is unrealistic to demand that the other person meet my expectation if I do not make them clearly known (Matthew 18:15).
• The other party is a different person than I am. It is unrealistic to demand that the other party think and act just like me (Psalms 139:13; Romans 12:4).
• Having my expectation met may not be God's will. It is unrealistic to assume that having my expectation met is God's will just because I want it met (James 1:2-4).

A great exercise for this stage in the process is to state your expectation, indicate how you evaluate it, then, if it is imposed, list one or more of the eight reason why it is unrealistic to demand that it be met. Focus on these reason until you feel your emotional reaction change from strong to mild.

Remember James 1:19 - "Be quick to listen. Slow to speak. And slow to become angry."