A Process for Resolving Conflict or How To Manage Expectations (Part 2)



Here is a basic overview of the Process for Resolving Conflict, or How To Manage Expectations:

1. Identify Unmet Expectations - Identifying an unmet expectation involves specifying (from above) - the event where the expectation goes unmet, the specific unmet expectation, the emotional reaction to the unmet expectation, and the behavioral reaction to the unmet expectation.
2. Evaluate Expectations - Involves determining if it is imposed or preferred. If it is imposed, determine if it is judgmental, selfish, or based on a genuine concern for another person's welfare.
3. Change Imposed Expectations - Involves finding reasons why it is unrealistic to demand that your expectation be met.
4. Communicate Unmet Expectations - Involves stating the expectation with C.A.R.E. Consideration, Action (stating the action that blocked the expectation), Reaction (stating the emotion associated with having the expectation blocked), and Expectation (re-stating the actual expectation in very clear terms). The listening response required at this stage involves putting into your own words: a) The main idea your partner is communicating and/or b) The feelings your partner is experiencing.
5. Resolve Unmet Expectations - Involves: a) Determining if the expectation can be met completely, b) Looking for alternatives, and c) Openly examining the expectation before choosing not to meet it.

This week, I would like for us to examine the next stage in the process of Resolving or Managing Conflict - Evaluating Expectations. What does it mean to evaluate an expectation?

Remember, we still must specify: The Event, The Expectation, The Emotional Reaction and The Behavioral Reaction. Once we have done that, we have finished stage 1 and we are ready to move on to stage 2 - Evaluating Expectations.

Expectations can be either Imposed Expectations, or Preferred Expectations.  Imposed Expectations involve a demand (Examine 1 Corinthians 13:5 - "Love is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs."). Examples of this kind of communication are: "You should ..." "You must ..." "You ought to ...". These kinds of expectations produce strong emotional reactions such as irritation, anger, frustration, etc. when they go unmet.  Preferred Expectations involve a preference (Examine 1 Corinthians 13:7 - "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes/expects something good, and always perseveres."). Examples of this kind of communication are: "My preference is ..." "I would like ..." "It would be nice if you would ...".  These kinds of expectations produce mild emotional reactions such as disappointment, displeasure, or discomfort when they go unmet.

Demands connected with Imposed Expectations result from three basic sources:

• Judgmentalism - "My partner should meet my standards of acceptable behavior."
• Selfishness - "My partner should put my desires before his or her own."
• Concern for Another's Welfare - "My partner should not hurt himself or herself, God, or another person."

When Evaluating Expectations, the best thing to do is to first, determine if the expectation is Imposed or Preferred. Then, if it is Imposed, determine if the Demand is Judgmental, Selfish, or Based on a Concern for Another's Welfare.

Imposed Expectations, having demands that are based on concerns for another's welfare can be healthy expectations (Examine John 2:13-17 to see an Imposed Expectation with strong demands by Jesus).

It is not wrong to hope that our desires and expectations be met. It is wrong to judgmentally and/or selfishly impose those expectations on others, even if the expectations seem to be or actually are reasonable expectations and desires.

A practical exercise that would be helpful in beginning to apply this next level in the Conflict Resolution Process is to identify some expectations and then determine if they are Preferred or Imposed. If they are Imposed, then determine if they are Judgmental-Imposed, Selfish-Imposed, or Concern for the Welfare of Others-Imposed. Both the level of emotional strength of the expectation and the manner of communication will help you make the proper determinations. It is always helpful to assess your emotions and your behavior.

Remember James 1:19 - "Be quick to listen. Slow to speak. And slow to become angry."