A Process for Resolving Conflict or How To Manage Expectations (Part 4)



Here is a basic overview of the Process for Resolving Conflict, or How To Manage Expectations:

1. Identify Unmet Expectations - Identifying an unmet expectation involves specifying (from above) - the event where the expectation goes unmet, the specific unmet expectation, the emotional reaction to the unmet expectation, and the behavioral reaction to the unmet expectation.
2. Evaluate Expectations - Involves determining if it is imposed or preferred. If it is imposed, determine if it is judgmental, selfish, or based on a genuine concern for another person's welfare.
3. Change Imposed Expectations - Involves finding reasons why it is unrealistic to demand that your expectation be met.
4. Communicate Unmet Expectations - Involves stating the expectation with C.A.R.E. Consideration, Action (stating the action that blocked the expectation), Reaction (stating the emotion associated with having the expectation blocked), and Expectation (re-stating the actual expectation in very clear terms). The listening response required at this stage involves putting into your own words: a) The main idea your partner is communicating and/or b) The feelings your partner is experiencing.
5. Resolve Unmet Expectations - Involves: a) Determining if the expectation can be met completely, b) Looking for alternatives, and c) Openly examining the expectation before choosing not to meet it.

This week let's address the fourth stage in this process, Communicating Unmet Expectations.

There are two common errors people make when it comes to dealing with unmet expectations. 1) They do not communicate them at all, and 2) They communicate them in a demanding or attacking manner. The problem with not communicating them at all is articulated in passages like Hebrews 12:15 - not dealing with relationship issues can result in the build-up of bitterness and resentment. Someone has said, "Holding on to anger, bitterness and resentment is like swallowing poison and hoping that the other person dies." The one who pays the price is the one who harbors the paralyzing emotions. Passages like Philippians 2:4 and Proverbs 15:1 help us to understand why communicating unmet expectations in a demanding and attacking way is just as unhealthy.

A healthy way to communicate unmet expectations can be described by an acrostic: C.A.R.E. We need to CARE for one another!
Consideration - a statement that helps the other person know that you understand why he or she may not have met your expectation.
Action - a statement clarifying what the other person did that resulted in the expectation going unmet.
Reaction - a statement clarifying how you felt or reacted when your expectation went unmet.
Expectation - a clear statement of the observable changes you are requesting that the other person make.

The listening response required at this stage involves putting into your own words: a) The main idea your partner is communicating and/or b) The feelings your partner is experiencing. Once again, we must intentionally plan to live out James 1:19 - "Be quick to listen. Slow to speak. And slow to become angry."