A Process for Resolving Conflict or How To Manage Expectations



Here is a basic overview of the Process for Resolving Conflict, or How To Manage Expectations:

1. Identify Unmet Expectations - Identifying an unmet expectation involves specifying (from above) - the event where the expectation goes unmet, the specific unmet expectation, the emotional reaction to the unmet expectation, and the behavioral reaction to the unmet expectation.
2. Evaluate Expectations - Involves determining if it is imposed or preferred. If it is imposed, determine if it is judgmental, selfish, or based on a genuine concern for another person's welfare.
3. Change Imposed Expectations - Involves finding reasons why it is unrealistic to demand that your expectation be met.
4. Communicate Unmet Expectations - Involves stating the expectation with C.A.R.E. Consideration, Action (stating the action that blocked the expectation), Reaction (stating the emotion associated with having the expectation blocked), and Expectation (re-stating the actual expectation in very clear terms). The listening response required at this stage involves putting into your own words: a) The main idea your partner is communicating and/or b) The feelings your partner is experiencing.
5. Resolve Unmet Expectations - Involves: a) Determining if the expectation can be met completely, b) Looking for alternatives, and c) Openly examining the expectation before choosing not to meet it.

This week, I would like to address the first level in the process: Identifying Unmet Expectations.

First of all, we need to remember the four elements of an unmet expectation, which come from James 4:1-2, where James asked the question, "What causes wars and quarrels among you?" He then answers his own question by listing four things that cause conflict.

• The Event - an instance of another person failing to meet our desires
• The Expectation - a belief that another person should meet our desires.
• The Emotional Reaction - such as irritation, anger, or frustration.
• The Behavioral Reaction - such as criticism, nagging, or arguing.

The way to identify unmet expectations is to examine a situation within a current relationship (marriage, friendship, church, or whatever) where an expectation you had of another, or another has had of you, has gone unmet. Then you just walk through each of the elements of an unmet expectation. You identify the event, then the actual expectation or expectations, the emotional reaction you had to the expectation not being met, and then your behavioral reaction to the expectation not being met. Once you have identified the unmet expectation, you are ready to move on to the next level, which is Evaluating The Expectations.

Practice this first level in the process all week long on various situations in your relationships with others. This level of the process is an internal one. What I mean by that is this. You do not have to include the other person in the process at this point. You are simply trying to identify your own unmet expectations on the inside. Involving the other person in the process of conflict resolution will come later at another level.

Have fun and let's all develop new patterns of thinking and behaving where conflict is concerned.

And do not forget James 1:19. Practice being "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."