Examine James 4:1-3.

James tells us that 1) We hold a desire to have our basic needs met by GOD, by others, by ourselves, or by some combination of those. 2) We develop expectations that those desires will be met by GOD, by others and by ourselves in certain ways. 3) Our desires and expectations are only partially met, or are blocked and go entirely unmet. 4) Our passions burn within us. We react emotionally to the partial fulfillment of those desires and expectations, or to the blocking of them. 5) We kill, covet, quarrel, fight, etc. We attempt to force the meeting of our basic needs - the meeting of our desires and expectations. We react behaviorally to the blocking of our desires and expectations. We react in ways that are destructive to our relationship with others, GOD and ourselves. 6) We fail to include GOD in the process most of the time. And when we do include GOD, we do it with ulterior and self-centered motives to get our own desires and expectations met.

So, let's summarize what I have said in another way. There are Four Elements of an Unmet Desire and Expectation: 1) An Event - an instance of another failing to meet my desire and expectation. 2) An Expectation - a belief that another person should meet my desire and expectation. 3) An Emotional Reaction - such as irritation, anger, frustration, etc. 4) A Behavioral Reaction - such as criticism, nagging, arguing, pouting, etc.

Hence conflict! So what do we do about it all?

Two commonly unhealthy approaches to "resolving" conflict are:

1. To forcefully demand that the other person meets my expectations and desires
2. To ignore the desires and expectations (either mine or the other person's), hoping that they will go away.

Neither of these approaches will work. What is required is a healthier, Biblical approach to resolving conflict. What does that process look like? It involves a number of steps. This week, I will attempt to identify those steps in the process, and then in the following weeks, we will discuss each of the steps.
Here is a basic overview of the Process for Resolving Conflict, or How To Manage Expectations:

1. Identify Unmet Expectations - Identifying an umet expectation involves specifying (from above) - the event where the expectation goes unmet, the specific unmet expectation, the emotional reaction to the unmet expectation, and the behavioral reaction to the unmet expectation.
2. Evaluate Expectations - Involves determining if it is imposed or preferred. If it is imposed, determine if it is judgmental, selfish, or based on a genuine concern for another's welfare.
3. Change Imposed Expectations - Involves finding reasons why it is unrealistic to demand that your expectation be met.
4. Communicate Unmet Expectations - Involves stating the expectation with C.A.R.E. Consideration, Action (stating the action that blocked the expectation), Reaction (stating the emotion associated with having the expectation blocked), and Expectation (re-stating the actual expectation in very clear terms). The listening response required at this stage involves putting into your own words: a) The main idea your partner is communicating and/or b) The feelings your partner is experiencing.
5. Resolve Unmet Expectations - Involves: a) Determining if the expectation can be met completely, b) Looking for alternatives, and c) Openly examining the expectation before choosing not to meet it.

Next week, we will begin to look at each element of the process.

I leave you with one thought for you to consider, related to conflict management, and this thought emerges from James 1:19. James says, "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." When our desires and expectations go unmet, we often reverse that process and we are slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to become angry. And we wonder why we have conflict!